How did it get to this?
Almost 70% of lawyers have suffered mental ill health.*
I felt I had all the awareness & tools I needed to avoid becoming a part of that statistic. How wrong I was. As I write, I'm still batting with how I let this happen and for it to become outside of my control but that still feels quite raw.
After the realisation that I was suffering, I decided to observe heavily. During this time, I noticed many things. The stress was in control and it took over. I wasn't my true self, and as a result was not bringing my best self to work (and life).
Without trying to find solutions (a strong lawyer tendency) I wanted to share these observations.
Here goes:
Fight or flight
A constant state of feeling hurried. A high heart rate, and panic taking over.
Sleep
Waking up at 4am with an urge to work. Responding to my emails in my sleep. Sleep talking, and all after spending hours trying to sleep in the first place.
And the tiredness, wow the tiredness.
Exercise
was the first to go. Why is this the case when I know of the benefits? Energy= all time low.
Diet
also = screwed. Eating on the go, no time to cook, even shop for that matter. Filling my body with the worst fuel possible. I rarely drink alcohol but I found it creeping into my mind more often than usual. ‘A wine would be great right now’… is SO out of character for me.
As a result of the above, I physically felt my health dip. No exaggeration here.
Guilt
Mainly for not spending time with people I love. Ignoring social phone calls- sat watching my phone ring. ‘I can’t deal with a chat right now’. What even is that?!
Not to forget the self-guilt. Knowing you are making bad decisions (the above on exercise and diet being examples) but just can’t.seem.to.stop.making.them. Beating myself up. Low vibration.
Lack
Not enjoying the things that usually bring me joy. Beauty treatments become mundane. A trip out is just wasted time that could be spent working.
Impaired decision making
Oh, and the forgetfulness. I’m usually extremely vigilant. Leaving things behind? Emma would never. A call from the library to say they’d left my airpods in a safe place.
The main thing that surprised me? This is just 2/3 weeks worth. Workplace stress is real. Take care out there.
It’s hard to conclude this without a remark about what I’ll do in future to ensure it doesn’t happen again..
(solution mindset, I told you)
so here it is. My experience. As embarrassed as I feel posting this, the importance of awareness and authenticity far outweighs any fear I have.
Just press ‘publish’, Emma.
*LawCare 'Life in the Law' survey, Sept 2021